Beyond the Insanity

My thoughts in writing today.

I just want to write today’s experience, in my writing life. I decided to pause today from read throughs and editing my high fantasy novel to write something this article.

I’ve been feeling sleepy already and its five minute close to 1am. I don’t know if this is insanity or madness but I’ve been writing for twelve hours straight already today. Last week, I’ve also reached this mark and it seemed I’m just going beyond the number, knowing and understanding that I am capable of pushing myself to that hour. I like to think myself this is not easy, but the hard part was just in the beginning.

Write now I am here in Mcdonald’s, having my Coffee Float, my third bottle for the day. I started with Dunkin Donuts large black coffee and donut and went for four hours straight. I was feeling after that four mark so I pushed through and sat in Starbucks. This will be my last time to dine in at Starbucks as I already claimed my planner. Yes, the planner that everyone has been targeting since the promo started. I got it now. I sat at it, without intending an hour target mark as I know anyhow I will be writing long today. So it was afternoon. The sun was still up. Across the Starbucks is a condominium that was being build. The sun was bright and its light glimmered to the finished building beside. By the way, the two towers is Greenfield District in EDSA Crossing. I looked into the finished building, its glass façade reflected like diamonds. If I’m not mistaken there was also a balcony. I looked at my novel, I looked at the building. What’s going on in my mind?

Another day. I know I’ll be here till this store closes.

I hope not. But I looked at it. One finished product and the other was at its construction and it seemed to tell me something.

So I write this high fantasy novel of mine. I pushed through and barrel. Actually, I don’t know if you wouldn’t be working after drinking a venti Americano Espresso. Yes, according to the barrista it’s the strongest coffee. I asked. So my system is already caffeine drowned. Keeping tabs? Dunkin Donuts coffee. And then the Starbucks.

I was in Chapter 28, I think. And editing was really the hardest of all and this was probably I kept on jumping from one work to the next. I can’t just sustain the editing. Anyhow, I continued. I’m starting to really love this series. I moved on from one chapter after another, shouting at myself this is not a read through. I must change everything. You see, you must understand I used a different kind of language here. This is already, I think my fourth ran in (read through and edits) and only now I realized where I was mistaken. The freaking language. Because, well, you know its high fantasy. Aren’t the language supposed to be different? If the world in my book is not from this world, should I not create a language exclusive to my work? So I create my own language, ruining the complete structure of the English language.

I dropped the words: is and are and replaced them with shall. So every dialogue there is shall. Also, I made two remarks construction, there is that feeling myself like a linguistic. Infinitive plus result.

Here is a cringy sample:

To be honest shall be to dig deep in one’s heart and hear the truth voice. For rare only knows them and more deceived themselves. For truth is victory.

A bulk shall be three chickens.

What shall be the actions you execute that you do not like to do. By the way, there is also no contractions that added more words. I think it was already 230k words. I know, this is beyond madness. Had I write something I know, you know simple sentences then this could be very well easy to write. I felt I’m only wasting my time and I should throw this shit. Why did I ever write something like this?

That’s one of the unique struggle. Another thing that is common is being stuck in a single chapter. Really. I’ve come to conclude I’ve been rereading and rewriting a paragraph for hours already. First drafts is always freaking easy. I’m in flow. I am in state. I don’t even look back. In my own estimate I’ve written this whole chapter in a way faster time. But to edit this whole chapter was another subject to be discussed. This is no freaking joke. I kept on telling myself that there is something. But I kept on going back on and on and on. This is not my first time to be in the editing stage, so I know.

But I think I just don’t have an editing processed. I edit as I read. I make marks such as () <><> if I need to get back to a scene or I have to adjust something.

When I stopped my time watch, I’ve already logged in 12 hours and yet I felt the work I put in was for nothing.

I ride a jeep home, intending to be home. But for reason I’m not going to say anymore, I went detour and ride another jeep to Mcdonald’s. When I enter this fast food restaurant there wasn’t any much people. I was feeling good and telling myself I would write for another two hours. So I took the marble long table that was for sixteen people and scattered my things everywhere. I mean, there is no people. What could I do?

Then slowly, customers went in. They took this table and that until a family comes in. I sat in the head of the table. The family…I don’t want to count. I don’t want to look up. I already feel awkward. Should I just transfer? I’m this weird wanna be, trying hard novelist. But they seemed peaceful. Cups just fell on mid table and spill a lot of water. They sat. 1:20 am now and they were the loudest people in here. So I keep on typing this.

My thoughts on why I’ve been hitting really hard? First of, I want to start the year with a bang. I hit strong last year before December so I want to match that and I start low in January.

Another big thing why I’m hitting twelve hours once per week is that I need to find a job by February. With all the papers that I’m about to prepare, job applications, adjustment and trainings I don’t think I’ll be able to write well by February. So why not now, when I have all the time in the world. Apparently, I’ve been having that mindset for the past years already, thinking the job would ruin it.

I already experienced writing with a job that only last a month. I’ve really performed really bad and my hour logged in plummeted. October of 2015 if I could remember. It was my all-time low even though I write something for that month. So now, I’m thinking if I have a job I would have to let this go.

I’m really just waiting for this guy to leave. I can hear their loud chew. The table is really messy. There is a gravy on my side. Grr. Should I just transfer?

 I haven’t started something since I entered McDonald’s.

Now their done and the table is in complete riot. Coffee is starting to kick in. How much can I push?

Okay, I transfer. But really, if I’m just going to transfer why did I even stay the whole time? This table good for four people. But it’s good. I’m going to start now.

Date written: 01/23/17